The sign.

Ok, so while I was running my errands today our property manager came over and put the "For Rent" sign up in our yard.

Ahhhhh!

I have to be totally and completely transparent, right now. I was angry. "Who does he think he is that he's coming in here and sticking that sign in our yard without me knowing!" I was convicted, thankfully, very quickly.

But my next feeling was something even greater that I really don't want to deal with: sadness. I felt like I got a punch to the gut and I was gasping for air. "I'm not leaving for another month!"

So I cried. Actually, I shed a few tears. I haven't had a belly-whopping cry yet.

What this all revealed to me is that even though I've been "dealing" with things as they come, I haven't really sat down and thought about it. And, more importantly, I have been completely relying on my own strength and fortitude. Even to the point of trying to bear other's sadness. I used all of this strength to put aside what is going on in my heart and head and instead focusing on "fixing" things.

So. I'm telling you all now. I am not alright. (I'm crying fully as I'm writing this). If I say I am I'm lying, or not digging deeper.

I'm telling you this so you can keep me accountable.

What am I going through? I'm twenty. Moving completely across the continent. My only friend and human companion is and will be my husband (he's amazing and I love him so dearly. Lord, thank you for Michael!). I'm afraid I won't make friends easily. I'll be missing important things happening here. My siblings will grow up without me. I won't have my parents to straighten me out as well as they do right now. I'm scared I'll lose connection with people back here. I'm going to a place I have never been. I have no idea where I'm going to school or even what I'm going to do after school. And nothing is in my control. Nothing. Not even placing the sign in the yard.

I need truth. Truth.

"For I know the plans I have for you... Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

"He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit He prunes so that it will be even more fruitful." John 15:2

"You did not choose me, but I choose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit - fruit that will last." John 15:16

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things." Philippians 4:8

"I can do everything through Him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13

"Let the peace of God rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful." Colossians 3:15

So, if you think of me, please pray for me to find my strength in Christ, to rely on my husband's leadership, and to seek to be honest about my emotions and what's going on my heart. Thank you!